Go with your gut

The gut is the new brain, have you heard?

Control your gut and you control the chemicals and hormones released in your body and brain.
Control the release of chemicals and hormones and you control your feelings and emotions.
Control your feelings and emotions and you control your thoughts.
Control your thoughts and you control your actions.
Control your actions and you control your destiny...

....or something like that.

Go with your gut...
I felt it in my gut...
My gut feeling...

Put the good stuff in...a wide variety and copious amounts.
Flush the bad stuff out. Movement is crucial.

Any serious runner already knows this. Train the lungs to breath deep and fast, the heart to pump effectively strong, the muscles to find stored energy in hidden places...but the gut...the gut is where it's at...the inner most strength. Those critical moments when all else is failing and done, your brain will play tricks on you to find an excuse to give up...compleate justification at the moment.  How bad do you want this? Just on the serface with the latest running gear soaked with sweat, or does it go deeper? Pass the working muscles and organs....is it in your gut?

"Let thy bowels be full of charity..., and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of  God.~Doctrine & Covenants 121:45

Charity in my gut. Is this my inner most desire? A force that can overcome fatigue, brain fog, and a broken heart.

Put the good stuff in.
Serve.
Pray.
Read.
Ponder.
Hope.

Flush the bad stuff out.
Repent.
Let go.
Forgive.
Find His rest.

Go with your gut.

Random Acts of Kindness...Year 5

I'm often surprised at how real, deep and even overwhelming the grief can still be. It's been five years. Five years to get used to not calling her when silly things happen. Five years to get used to not seeing her at family gatherings. Five years to get used to not sharing my life with her. I've done a lot in the last five years, but getting used to having my sister gone is not one of them.

However, I do have a better understanding of where she is and what she's doing. A better understanding of Heavenly Father's love for all his children. A better understanding of the comfort given by the Savior's atonement. A better understanding of how all life's mess can make me a better person....and that is why I love Random Acts of Kindness.

Random Act of Kindness began as a way to remember Ruth, Nick and Audrey, because that's how they lived, because that's how we were blessed during our initial loss, and because now that's how we choose to live our lives.

Now, when I feel that gaping hole threatening to rip me clear through, I can think kindness instead of pain.  Sometimes it comes on fast, when I need a quick save....hurry, smile at the next person you see.... make eye contact....say hello...ask and listen about how they are, what they need. And sometimes it is a little more deliberate, following through on a phone call or an invitation I've put off way too long. Little by little neurons are trained to be kind instead of hurt, to look out instead of in.

As the kindness habits grow it is impossible to not see the kindness I receive. A good friend taking my kids overnight, not just feeding and housing them, but caring and comforting....even taking my son to soccer practice. Ten total kids and she still manages to take mine to soccer. She is kind, I am grateful.

I notice the kindness that comes even when there wasn't a need.  The kind that comes for no other reason but that you are loved. I was up early, so happy to be spending time with my husband, but wishing just a little I could be with my family as well. We were on a morning run in a strange and beautiful park. We ran up and around huge red rocks and reached the top in time to see the sunrise. It was red from all the smoke from summer fires, and made for an amazing view. Who knew this was what my sisters were doing at the same moment...waiting for that sunrise...it wasn't planned to all be there together miles apart, but there we were. Even God couldn't resist getting in on a day of Random Acts of Kindness.

This for That

Remember that old poem about the footprints in the sand and the guy looking back on his life and realizing he'd been carried through the hardest parts of his life?

I get that.

But it seems a shame to wait for the end of your life to recognize that He has been there all along. Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," if we will come unto Him. But I still  heft my way down the trail, thinking that it isn't until I reach the destination that I will find relief.

But that's not what He said.

It's not "my yoke will be easy, and my burden will be light." It's right now, in the middle of the muck, and sinking fear that He says,

Take this, I've got that.

The "this" offered for our "that" is to follow His example of love and meekness, and find rest. I'll admit, that I have been strengthed when I thought I couldn't haldle anymore, that impressions and peace have been felt when fear circled all around....but to actually feel the easy rest of his yoke compared to occasionally stopping to catch my breath and then continuing on my own, that has been a new experience.

So I take this, unconditional love and He takes that, my selfish desires. I take complete trust and He takes my fear. I take an ability to serve with my whole heart and He takes my pride and stubbern grudges. I take complete obedience and He takes my every failure.

This for that...

I know I don't deserve it, and sometimes I want to trade back, slip into the comfortable, instead of learning the new way, but I know there is no other way.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love:
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

This, my whole heart, for that, all that He has.

Happy Valentine's Day

This day

Who doesn't like a little encouragement now and then? A little pick-me-up, kind words, a reminder of what's important....it can make all the difference. Perhaps it's not "needed," perhaps you could make it on your own....

perhaps....

but with 8 miles down and 18 looming in the distance, anyone who has run a marathon knows the value of a little encouragement. It doesn't matter where it comes from or in what form. Honking horns and crazy cheers, painted signs, a word from a stranger as you pass, or just the sound of feet matching your stride as you run together. My personal favorite was, "Hurry there's a buffalo chasing you!" I laughed, then ran faster. My second favorite was from a stranger as I ran by. She simply said, "You're doing it."

And instantly I knew I was.

The end would come whenever it came, but for that moment I was doing what it took to get there, and that was enough.

Recently I found myself in the middle of a marathon when all I had scheduled was a 5K. At first I panicked and almost lost my breath, until a friend grabbed hold and reminded me that I knew how to do this. One step at a time....and I lifted my eyes and kept running.

Pray~step~scriptures~step~love~step~ponder~step~pray~step~repent~step~
church~step~serve~step~love~step~forgive~step~teach~step~pray~step~ listen~step~live~step~breathe~
step~
step~
step~
step~

Just because something takes you by surprise doesn't mean you can't be prepared for it. Supplications for daily bread are always answered, for today.

And today you're doing it.

The Work

"But now O Lord, thou ART our father; we ARE the clay, and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand." -Isaiah 64:8

 

Humility is more than just recognizing your weakness, your faults and your inadequate offerings; it is also seeing your divine potential in His hands.

They both can be a little scary.

She stood there in the heat looking at struggling tomatoes, beans and basil intermittently spread through the garden box...and what was that plant that seemed neither weed nor wanted?

With a sigh she leaned into her dad who stood next to her. "Isn't this just my life? A little bit of everything and nothing done well?"

When she told me about it later, she laughed, and I had to chuckle...really, who hasn't felt that way? To laugh about it is a sure way to keep from crying, and to share it with a friend who knows brings the fear into the light of day; dissipating shadows of self doubt.

And yet I was amazed. I knew her well and she was solid. Nothing wavering. I wanted to be her when I grew up. And here she was, unsure of her offerings, and I admired her all the more.

forgiveness...

"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness," ...forgiveness....most definitely forgiveness....



This month is the 15th anniversary for the "The Family, A Proclamation to the World". In fact, there is a month long celebration at Cocoa's...in fact, you're invited....in fact, that's where I am today.

Feeding the Hungry

We sang the song I'm sure I had sung several times before, and had never heard.

In fasting we approach thee here

And pray thy Spirit from above

Will cleanse our hearts, cast out our fear,

And fill our hunger with thy love.

It had been a tough week for everyone. Unexpected loss of those so young disrupts, even breaks life as we know it; leaves us scrambling to fix, offering food and calls and silent hugs.

Thru this small sacrifice, may we

Recall that strength and life each day

Are sacred blessings sent from thee-

Fill us with gratitude, we pray.

During that mending melody they came in, one less than the week before but stronger. Strength that came not from their own splintered spirits, but from the angels surrounding them; I felt them as they squeezed by and settled into crowed pews.

And may our fast fill us with care

for all thy children now in need.

may we from our abundance share

They sheep to bless, thy lambs to feed.

At that point we were all children of need and and yet there was so much abundance shared.

This fast, dear Father, sanctify-

Our faith and trust in thee increase.

As we commune and testify,

May we be filled with joy and peace.

I saw her again that night, the mother who had lost, and and for the first time in thee days she looked fuller; maybe just the edge knocked off her hunger, simple willingness to trust in her eyes. 

Text: Paul L. Anderson, b. 1946. © 1981 Paul L. Anderson and Lynn R. Carson.

Nurtured

"By divine design...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (Family Proclamation, paragraph 7)

Just this morning, I longed for the nurturing of a mother. Hadn’t I just cared for my little ones…one at a time…before they passed the sickness to me? Where is my mom, when all I can do is moan on the couch?

Of course, I know right where my mom is. Physically she is spending her days in service (as she always has) on a mission for our church; but that’s not all, because she is here with me too.

I may not have been bright enough as a child to let her teach me how to make bread, sew, and clean; but I did learn how to nurture, and it had little to do with the advice you might find in popular parenting magazines. A family is a hard place to hide imperfections, and we were as naked as the next; but in the end we are covered with covenants kept.

 

I love being a mother…and some days I think I’m pretty good at it; others…not so much. Those bad days would be enough to do me in with guilt and self doubt if I didn’t know about the back up plan.

We had a huge family growing up, and I often felt like one of the many. Really, how could one mother reach so many, cover so many bases…every day? Impossible really…on her own. I think she learned early to let go of perfection and cling tightly to the covenants she had made with the Lord.

Covenants that have greater strength than even a consistent discipline plan. Covenants that can reach through generations and bind family close, regardless of daily mistakes. Covenants that I have made with my Father, and my family.

So she does comfort me now, from a distance, and I know that even though my house will probably take a thrashing before I get back in the game, my family will be held close and covered.

Wordfull Wednesday @ Chocolate on my Crainium

The Difference

It was cold, and I was tired. With beauty all around me, I ran hunched and tight; chopping steps from the road.


My mind tripping over disappointed possibilities. I had been privileged to be a part of an amazing discussion, to witness with my heart eyes the divinity of sisters. Hopeful encouragement mixed with testimony and love....stopped short by a short sighted comment. Feelings were hurt; my heart hurt, then I remembered these words, as the Lord spoke to Moses: "I have a work for thee, Moses, my son...." and then, "Satan came tempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me."

Satan seeks first to demote, discourage our possibilities, blind our eyes to the divinity in each of us...and those who surround us; then his work is easy.

I pray for confidence in the first; a life lived worthy of the first; words spoken with the love of the first; a soul strong enough to say, "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God..."


My frame straightened and I ran; open and soaking up the confidence of divine beauty.

110/1000

Lengthened out all the day long

He kicks his feet up, smashing the hymnals in the wooden pew in front of us. I pull his legs back only to have him slam his head back into my chest. He twists and I relent, his little body flopping to the floor. Less than a breath later he’s climbing back up on my lap, pulling at my shirt and wrinkling my Sunday best. He snuggles in and I rock back and forth and he breathes…and then it starts all over again.

“...I have thought of the Lord’s invitation to come unto Him and to spiritually be wrapped in His arms. He said, “Behold, [my arms] of mercy [are] extended towards you, and whosoever will come, him will I receive; and blessed are those who come unto me.”

The scriptures speak of His arms being open, extended, stretched out, and encircling. They are described as mighty and holy, arms of mercy, arms of safety, arms of love, “lengthened out all the day long.” ” ~Neil L. Anderson 

Even when I squirm.

Fasting to be Filled

Each step required mental command and my breath came in deep gasps, proclaiming out loud a week of missed exercise...my body had forgotten it's rhythm.

Such a reflection of my spirit. I had been off beat all week, a little sick, but mostly just off. Lack of daily sustenance...not even a snack.

That's how I began my fast, this monthly ritual of skipping meals, snacks and mindless eating...I began with my soul already starved.

I sat in church, stripped of all numbing food, bearing my soul... and it was ugly. I sat muddled and shamed but felt no desire to hide, only to be filled.


And I was.

Slowly at first, like a drink of cool water after a long run, wetness seeping into places I didn't know were dry. For a moment I was tempted to stuff myself full of sweet forgiveness without acknowledging the depth of my hunger, but mindless gorging can never fill, and each thoughtful bite offered was savored...was exactly what was needed,

and I ate.

For the Lord God is a sun and shield: the Lord will give grace and glory: no good thing will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man that trusteth in thee.~Psalm 84:11

Only One Way

"Here, let me help you"

Of course that's not what I mean, and I make a grab for the shirt to slip it over his head. What I mean is, "I don't have enough time to wait for you to learn, so just let me do it for you."

He yanks it away and tries again.

Head in the middle, one arm on each side; plain and simple... really only one way it works.

Still he tries, head stuck, trying to push through the long skinny opening. So obvious to my eyes, my experience; still he pushes, stretching the opening.

I put off the clock and wait for his wail for help, and it comes.

"Is that not working"... feigned innocence.... "Do you want to try something different?"

Again, I show him the head sized hole. A little more struggle and he learns success.




I remember when my own father's eyes meet mine,

and I knew he knew.

He could have stopped it all right there. If he would have commanded, I would have obeyed...but he knew I already knew; and so he let me choose.

I struggled, sure there must be another way, until I was completely stuck; again, he lovingly showed me the right way...and I learned.

Know then that ev'ry soul is free,
To choose his life and what he'll be;
For this eternal truth is given,
That God will force no man to heaven.

He'll call, persuade direct him right;,
Bless him with wisdom, love, and light;
In nameless ways be good and kind;
But never force the human mind.

~"Know This, That Every Soul is Free"

And so I wait.

Hands like the Ones that Raised Me

She stamped her foot hard in protest on the kitchen floor, but it was clear she had lost the battle...or had she?

She could never stop him when his mind was set, but that was never her role. Honor, cherish, care for and even submit; never to control. Her soft, quiet, sure ways smoothed the rough edge off his stubbornness. Even with this simple disagreement over her concern of his shaking, weathered hands lifting the 5 gallon bucket of honey to pour some into the kitchen container...for her, they were an example to their newly engaged granddaughter sitting there at the table...suppressing giggles.

Grandma & Grandpa Campbell

"Marriage, the coming together of two very different individuals.." can result in complimentary beauty or a blinding clash; most likely, a combination of both. Hubs and I, we're not the beauties we once were...so says my 10 year old...but I'm proud of who we are now; not what I had imagined 14 years ago, a little worse and a little better, but we own every minute of this joy work that carries us day to day. Here's three tips from the trenches.

1. Take care of yourself. Not in a pampering, ditch the kids kind of way, but in a praying, studying, asking for forgiveness kind of way. At my wedding shower, an "experience wife" warned me that if you can't change your husband in the first two weeks, it will never happen. I remember crying as I sat down on a wet toilet seat on day 15....that wasn't the last time I've had to clean myself up and move on, but alas, I have a few messy habits of my own. My Mother-in-law has a saying scrawled across a scratch paper hanging in her kitchen, it says, "Sweep your own step before your worry about your neighbor's." I believe Jesus had something to say along the same lines....something about beams and motes, and how best to remove both.

2. Work hard, stay soft. Things can run smooth and efficient when I tuck emotions neatly away inside, but that is not how it was meant to be. Live every moment.

3. It's not just about me. Happily ever after as two separate beings is not what I want. A long, lasting marriage will just be a consultation prize if we haven't grown together, evolved into one. Here's a note from my mom's kitchen: "The secret in a successful marriage is not in two people finding each other...it is in two people finding Christ together. He makes you one." There is more at stake than the here and now, "'til death do us part" will never do.

(my folks)

My wedding ring is a simple golden band, just like the symbol I have always seen my parents wear; yes, money was tight in the beginning, but that's not why. He even gave me an engagement diamond...but all I wanted were hands like the ones that raised me. Simple and sure, sometimes shaking, ready for...even desiring...the work that will bind for eternity.

What is important in your marriage? Wordfull Wednesday @Chocolateonmycranium

Why Unexpected?

My poinsettias were beautiful last year. Maybe because they were alive....I usually kill them off at least a week before Christmas.

Not only did they survive Christmas with splendor, they continued to grow into the spring. They lost their red leaves, seeming to know that fresh green growth matches spring better than the deep red...blood red.

The whole time I assumed they would bloom again. I imagined their beauty accenting perfectly the feeling of the season. I was relieved I wouldn't have to buy more this year.

Two weeks til Christmas and they, still with green leaves, sat in my window while I googled. Did you know that a poinsettia requires twelve hours of darkness each night for six weeks, in order to bloom? Not just dimness, but complete darkness, uninterrupted.

I didn't know.

I should have planned ahead. Along with water and fresh soil, sunlight and minimized drafts; I should have studied, I should have known.

Christmas Eve was all it should be. Laughter and excitement, quiet moments and reflection. I looked up over my children's heads, and then, looked again.

Really?

On Christmas Eve?

Undeserved and so unexpected, but there it was.

I walked across the room, I needed closer inspection; the deep crimson leaves, small but leaving no doubt, were pushing their way out, ringing the petite yellow bloom.

Christmas miricle?

I think so.

Really not so unique to the season though. The sheading of outgrown beauty, warm sunshine growth, long...prolonged night darkness, beauty renewed.

I should have known.

Abundance

Abundance is being completely filled, having all....even more than is needed.

Four dozen pumpkin chocolate chip cookies. Drawers that won't shut when all the laundry is done at once. Unlimited access to a building full of books. Long summer days. Gardens that won't stop producing. Shelves lined with more than I grew. Gifts of honey, wheat, beef and listening ears. A crowded house. High speed Internet.

This is abundance.

But there's more. Abundance itself is quite abundant, you know. Awareness and gratitude for what we have can produce a wealth of abundance from supposed deprivation.

My first tomato from seed. An unexpected hug. Everyone liking dinner at once. An inappropriate burst of laughter. No homework on the weekends. Enjoying a kiss. Winter sun shining through my windows. Phone call when you don't have time. Hugging Kevlar twice daily.

I believe abundance is always there just waiting, but sometimes is it seems elusive. Suppressed by loss of self control, doubt, and selfish desires; concealed behind rebellion. Refusing to look, to ask or listen.

To rediscover your abundance it may be as simple as to, "Look outside - I know that you'll Recognize it's summertime"

When I'm willing to look outside of myself and see the penetrating summer heat of God's love...it is truly overflowing.

"One of the remarkable qualities about God's love for us is that not only do we
experience it as validating and affirming, but it also produces growth and
change in us. It literally moves us forward, toward Him and our own eventual
exaltation. It is a sculpting, correcting, and purposeful kind of love."
(friendly facebook quote)

Without this kind of lasting abundance, this unconditional abundance, this filling in my missing gaps abundance that I receive daily from my Savior, I would be continually lacking.

Long awaited change. Being picked up when you fall. A broken heart made stronger not harder. Whispered truth when surrounded by lies. Feeling peace in the pain. Being held when it hurts. Runner's high lasting way past the second mile. Finding joy in the simple. Understanding hidden treasures.

More than I need.

Exactly all I need.

What does abundance mean to you? http://chocolateonmycranium.blogspot.com/2009/11/wordfull-wednesday-abundance.html.

Ongoing gratidude list #7-32

Lens One, or Lens Two?

"Lens one......or lens two? Now here again, is it clearer through lens one, or lens two."

I remember the first time I got glasses. I had been dreading it for weeks, knowing it was inevitable and fearing mind exaggerated social ramifications. But on the way home, with my new frames perched on my face, I couldn't stop staring at a world made new.

Have you ever had one of those moments; though painful at first....and sometimes for a long time, it changes how you see everything. Blades of grass appear where before there was only green, wires appear connecting fence and telephone pole, and signs appear legible beyond their shape.

"The whole world is different." That's what he told me last night; his focus still blurry....painful. "It's like I live in a completely different world now." Lens one is dim and obscure, I pray for clarity through lens two.

Gratitude in all things...this isn't the first time I've heard it's call, not the first time it has clarified my view. But it was different last time....not as much at stake; life will be renewed, but a lost soul...things blur and I don't understand. Gratitude in trials is faith that you can grow, putting off the natural man to be more like Him; He who created this natural man.....I still don't understand.

Neither lens is clear.

New Window

I pulled back the lace curtain,
not to let the light in,
but to let my vision pass

Without obstruction through
the new glass,

wrapped in unfinished pane.

Clean blankets laundered and

aired where neighbors can see

fragrant the room.

It seems so long ago,

the broken glass

and the escape in the wind.

What happened in between

forgotten....almost;

unfinished pain.

Laundered but still hanging,

softly lifted by the wind.

Are the neighbors still watching?

Wondering if we'll ever

bring it in, before the fresh air

fragrance turns stale.

Surprised by the Light unknowingly

let in, I go loosen the pins

and gather arms full.

Six Words

Sum up your life in six words.

I think I would do this different everyday...today it would be: Shivering, aching, sick as a dog, but in my weakness I'm breaking the rules...perhaps this is more like my life:

Continuous ball dropper and that's OK.

Wordfull Wednesday @ ChocolateonmyCranium.