My Newly Broken Heart

At first it was just a stretching, pulling, relaxing and constriction…the natural and nauseating beginning pains of child birth.  The way it is supposed to be. No child would stay in the womb forever…no mother would want it so.

This separation begins, it pulls and stretches until she slips free and with all that new beginning, there is a new breaking of my heart.

It's a good broken, a necessary broken, to cleave you must first be broken kind of broken... pieces bond together as again and again she latches on for nourishment. My soldered heart, beating stronger in this new bond.....

I stare at her grey eyes...

                        and I can't imagine how....

                                        her flesh came from my flesh, my thoughts, my actions....

How could she not be a piece of my soul?

My life put on hold, my life just begun... to hold and love and continue to create someone from this new piece of my newly broken heart.

The breaking continues, slower now, but seems so fast as one moment right after another she chooses her path, breaking and cleaving only to sever again.

She fails, and we break together. We share the pieces of our always breaking hearts and build again something different, maybe stronger.

She succeeds, and my heart bursts into a billion new pieces of joy and she scoops it up and adds it to her own. 

And that bond heart is new and sinewy and strong and it stretches and somehow is still a part of me and I can't help but hold it close. Like the newbie I am, I hold too tight and she pulls even harder until I let go too soon and she falls slipping through my clenched fingertips. We pick up and brush off and patch up and move on. Constantly recreating as we learn that whatever she is, she is still a part of me to hold with open hands.

Day after day she builds her own heart, beating strong and sure and sometimes scared. She takes pieces from here and pieces from there, some light and some dark, building and breaking, blood flowing with passion and poison.

 She doesn't give up, although sometimes I think she has, my preference for speed threatening to rush what can't be rushed. Even that speed she must have a piece of... that impatience that I'm still working out of my own heart...she takes that too, and leaps and falls maimed... but leaps again.

I feel her heart even when I can’t see her; her fears and hurts, jagged lacerations in my own heart, telling me she is breaking. I can't fix her, she rightly claimed that piece for herself, it's natural and nauseating....but assuredly, the broken pieces drum the rhythm that she came from something stronger and infinitely sure... 

and we bond through the broken
both cleaving, leaning
on the Infinite Broken Heart.

Then without warning she makes that final tug and I feel the wind sucked out of me as my whole body contracts and on its own, pushes her out. It should be familiar....

...no child would stay in womb forever, no mother would want it so...

but the pain is raw and I am left with open, empty hands as this time, she bonds with someone new.

Is this what joy is?

My heart misses her pieces everyday and breaks a little more as I try to find all the pieces to build a whole heart. It works.... mostly, and life drums on and my blood pumps through my veins and my smile is still there...but barely. 

I do smile... we share so many heart pieces....I smile because I know she is a part of me still and someday....when she feels that first stretching and pulling and inevitable first tear, 

I will feel it too...

and my heart will gladly break again for her newly broken heart.

Sometimes it sucks

I run more than walk. It's my natural state. Today I headed out looking for the sun on my face and the need for new thoughts to pump through me like oxygen filled blood. My running feet on the ground did not disappoint and it felt like I was coming back to myself...

I needed that.

Then the reality of my malnutritioned body gave way and my sleep deprived soul gave in and the cold wind blew stronger than the suns rays and tormented me from all directions.

But this too is my running, this too is why I crave it. Sometimes it sucks and that is as real as any other part of me. It's not meant to always be sunny and 50 degrees with a cool breeze right when you start to get sweaty. Nope sometimes it sucks, and that's just fine.

I sometimes try to photograph how my run feels, to capture somehow, the change of mind and direction it can bring to my soul. It never really works that well, because I have to stop running to get a good shot and then it's just not the same. So at least to document, if not capture, I snapped a few today, because this is a day I will remember. The sunlight through the trees, the winding road up ahead, a hill to keep things interesting and and the bird crap that just missed my head and landed on my running leg.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks, but that's perfect and I want to live it all.

I hugged my little one goodby today. My toes cold on the driveway and my heart lodged in my throat. This one who has been a part of me from the beginning, my blood her blood creating her flesh. I remember just looking at her for hours not believing that she was mine...even just for this moment.

This moment that went too fast. This bueatuful girl, this girl that has turned me inside out, this girl that has made me be 100 percent sure of who I am before I could show her who she is...

my daughter, my friend...

I passed this piece of my heart off to him and they drove away.

Wordfull Wednesday ~Wack-a-daisical Summer

Writing a summer alliteration sounded so fun, but I ran out of time, so my wonderful, whimsical, wordfull daughter jumped on it. Enjoy!

Wonderful, wonderful summer,

We truly believe as we wade,

Under a cascading waterfall.

And on to a nice warm hug,

Then to watermelon with Welch’s Lemonade we tromp,

After a good, long Sunday walk.

Wishfully thinking of water colored wildflowers,

We trek to Wal-Mart to search,

Only to woefully return empty handed,

To our too warm home for the night.

When we wake up and look outside,

It’s snowing.

Summer day alliteration @ Chocolateonmycranium

just flip the switch

The music bounced around the car blending and becoming one with the voices of the 3 tween girls in the back seat. I smiled and chuckled to myself...but it was a nervous chuckle. Wouldn't it be so much easier if they were still singing along to primary songs or the love between peanut butter and jelly instead of these love sick lyrics. I wanted to just turn it off...perhaps some would have...but I didn't, some lines I don't cross.

I remember my own mom letting us listen; suggesting other alternatives or simply just talking, but usually letting us listen....and letting us make fools of ourselves as we sang along. Once she even pulled some lyrics out of a song for a hopeful teaching moment. "Ooh Baby do you know what that's worth ~ Ooh heaven is a place on earth" sparked a  lesson about how our homes can and should be heaven on earth. Genius. I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes at that one.

But this wasn't memories of my goofy behavior at that age, this was MY daughter in the back seat; singing along to lyrics I'm sure she knew nothing about. So instead of silly memories it was if every wrong choice I've ever made steamed back to the music I listened to at such an impressionable age, and I fought the urge to shut it off...just flip the switch...like it could be that easy; just turn off this music and she would never make the mistakes I made, in fact, she could grow up perfect in a controlled little bubble.

There are always lines that should never be crossed and those that should. There are lines that I enforce with consequences and love, and fear that they might choose to cross anyway. There are lines that I sometimes cross in hopes of keeping them always safe, and lines I'm afraid to cross for fear of failure. I say there is nothing I wouldn't give to ensure the safety of their souls as I cling to the extra change in my pocket. Such a little amount...why would it be needed? Daily I give millions freely, but this little bit I keep hidden...

just in case...

..just in case it's not enough.

Lately I find myself slipping out a nickle, or even a dime. Inching over that line, still scared, but not as much.

Taking Pictures

It was just two of us.

Winding down through the canyon the day the metal brackets came off her teeth and she couldn't stop making funny faces, letting her mouth enjoy movement again. She leaned back against the window and the breeze caught her crimped locks and pulled them straight up.

We both giggled and tied to get my camera phone to work. No luck, and instantly my mind switched to camera mode and my heart caught in my throat. Early evening sunlight, the kind that lets you know summer is almost done, caught her freckles as if boasting of it's own work...

and while watching the road, I couldn't take my heart eyes off her.

She is so beautiful, and although I carried her inside myself every minute of the nine months plus three days, I still wonder how she could be mine and how she could be so grown.

She knew she had my attention and she laughed again, eyes sparkling gray-green and I know she loves her "freaky runner mom", and I think for now she is mine, but hold my breath anyway, not wanting this to change..

at least for a minute,

and I take a picture.

Spaghetti Meatballs~Make peace with the grease

My daughter brought home a book from school called "Cooking the Italian Way". At 10 years, she is still my pickiest eater, still shying away from anything different. I'd be crazy to not jump all over this opportunity, right? Even if it turns out bad, well...who's fault is that? Of course, this isn't her first experience in the kitchen, but she usually sticks to chocolate cake, cookies, pancakes and chili from a can; which just happens to be the extent of my knowledge when I left home for college. She's excited to try some new dishes (Minestrone and Risotto)and revisit some family favorites (spaghetti and pizza).

We started last night with spaghetti, making the sauce from scratch. The consensus: tasty, but definitely not spaghetti sauce. The star of the evening turned out to be the meatballs. I'm not a big fan of meat, so huge chunks of greasy ground beef have never been on the menu. But, we tired it...her idea, and well...YUM!

Spaghetti Meatballs

1 lb ground beef
2 eggs
bread crumbs (I used homemade whole wheat with the crusts cut off 1-2 slices)
1 T dried basil
1/4 to 1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese.
salt and pepper to taste
2-3 T oil to cook them in, I used coconut.

Mix all the ingredients well, except the oil. Roll into tight balls (golf ball size). Heat oil in skillet to about medium high. Drop in meatballs, don't overcrowd, it's better to just do 2 or 3 batches. They cook pretty fast, only a few minutes on each side, i only turned the 3 times. Be careful of the hot grease, remove meatballs from pan and drain on paper towel. Add them to you spaghetti sauce while cooking, or just on top of prepared plate.

Using coconut oil is better than vegetable and olive because it is more stable at high temps, and oil is actually required for your body to absorb all the healthy nutrients in the tomato sauce. I made peace with the grease and the grease brought peace to the dinner table.

Who'd have thought?

Ongoing Gratitude

Last year we did a Thanksgiving gratitude list with the kids. It was fun, then it was done. This year I want to do more. My kids had the idea to paper our entire kitchen with our lists of gratitude....I love the idea, not just because my kitchen is in desperate need of a paint job, but because it would be ongoing. Taking inspiration from the kiddos I'm going to begin my own list.....with them.

I'm thankful for....

1. The new wonder of each day....through his eyes.

2. Learning that anything can be (and should be) made beautiful.

3. Learning that there is always another way to see things.

4. The reminder to be real, I've missed too much being content with the surface.


TO BE CONTINUED.....

Before I change my mind...

The theme at iheartfaces this week is sepia. I have a love/hate relationship with sepia....one minute I'm in love with the look and then the next I'm missing my color. So, I guess I better get this posted while I'm still in love with the way it highlights the water drops and reflection of the sun. Although, I might have to post the color version tomorrow.

Lots more to see at iheartfaces.com

Work vs. Sugar Cookies

"School's out for summer!"

The lyrics to the "School's Out" rock song have been going through my head all day. I'm not a big Alice Cooper fan, but something about the evil sounding....is it joy? Probably not, but I guess that fits the mood.

I love summer. I love having my kids home. I love being on our own schedule, coming and going as we like; playing, creating, reading, exploring, lazy afternoons, all of it. Unfortunately, today was not like that.

It started out well enough, good morning cuddles, hugs and kisses wiping the sleep away. No rush breakfast and even a little music and dancing, courtesy of Hup. Then, things went sour. Squabbles turned violent and disrespect for all was the tune. I had to pull out my chore list just to get things back in line. Come on, the first day of summer and we we're doing chores? I'm not sure who hated it worse, me or the kids.

What is it about work that brings things back in order? It's more that just the physical cleanliness of my kitchen cabinets, attitudes seem to be cleared out and washed to a shine. As Rosebud scrubbed, she asked why I always make her work when she's ornery. Without hardly thinking I replied that work makes you happy. She rolled her eyes at me, but not three minutes later she was humming with suds dripping from her elbows.

Time well spent, yet I felt behind somehow. So, we made sugar cookies....for lunch.

Summer Savin' Sugar Cookies

2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1 cup butter, softened

1 1/2 cups white sugar
1/4 cup sour cream

1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 375 degrees F . In a small bowl, stir together flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside. (At this point make sure you put the baking soda back in the cupboard so your two year old doesn't grab it when you're not looking and pour it all over your living room)

In a large bowl, cream together the butter, sugar and sour cream until smooth. Beat in egg and vanilla. Gradually blend in the dry ingredients. Roll rounded teaspoonfuls of dough into balls, and place onto cookie sheets.

Bake 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or just until the edges start thinking about turning golden. Let cool a few minutes on the sheet then remove to wire rack.

Let the good times roll.

Naturally Mischievous

So natural, but so mischievous....with all these bunny ears maybe I should have used this picture for Easter week at iheartfaces, looks a little chilly though. I love all their different expressions, especially Sunshine, so I'm glad I had another chance to get this photo in for my kids entry for hat week.

For my adult entry it's my favorite man with an adorable addition. I never get tired of taking pictures of these two hiking buddies.....I think I'm in love.

Put on your hats and join the party at iheartfaces.

Turn it around

Take a self portrait and post it to your blog?

Hmmmm.....still trying to warm up to the idea....

Adult Entry

This kids entry was actually kind of fun....we took a bunch. Want to see?

Kids entry


Go ahead and turn it around, take a shot and share it at iheartfaces.

My Friend and I

My dressed up ladies coming back up the lane from getting the mail. Rosebud walking on, doing her own thing with Sunshine ever trying to catch up.


I was messing around a little with my lighting, I think I need to mess a little more, but I do like the contrast of the white light and their bright dress up.

Join the friendly fun at iheartfaces.

Yikes!

She was upset that I asked her to smile....can you imgine what happens when I ask her to clean her room?

Here's your chance to wine and complain.....pout with the rest of us at iheartfaces.com

Rosebud II

I know shadows across the face are frowned on, but I love this picture anyway. Beautiful day, beautiful girl, beautiful moment.

No flash, plain and simple.

Give your best shot at iheartfaces.com