So there I sat annoyed that bro was speaking for like the third time in the same span I had only been asked to speak once. Who even complains about something like that? Then in Relief Society, we talked about who uses the church curriculum or actually studies with their family...instead off thinking of how much I have loved studying the Old Testament this year, I felt sorry for myself because I didn't have any family to study with.
Then the big one hit. Jill mentioned something about ministering people coming unannounced and I immediately found myself back in Colorado on a night when Phil was yelling at the kids and saying some horrible things only to be interrupted by our ministering bro knocking at the door. Our house was not that big and our windows were always open, there was no way he didn't hear everything that had just happened. At this time I wanted help so badly, I was so tired of managing all Phil's emotions and the fallout by myself...I wanted people to know.. and yet, this was so embarrassing; being laid bare so unexpectantly. Phil left the room and I was left to answer the door. Bro immediately asked if I was ok, and I gave him a questioning look but simply replied, "yep". I don't blame bro for just walking away that night. What was he supposed to do?
Mostly I try not to dwell on those hard times, we've done our best to deal with them and made a lot of real changes. I know I'm not at my best when a flash back like that hits me in a way that has me almost running from the room. I stayed. I cried, but I stayed. I stayed and listened to a whole discussion on ministering. The whole time struggling with feeling so alone and left out but knowing from the Spirit and experience that the way through this is to reach out. I looked around at the women sitting in that room with me and knew without a doubt that many others were feeling or have felt the same thing.
My prayer was to ask for help in being the kind of person who reaches out. My own heart depends on it.
Deb made a comment about how her rough and tumble daughter was caught in a rainstorm and ran to the church for shelter. It wasn't Sunday, but there was someone there who saw her and didn't let her in. I raised my hand and told about what I learned from Dave Butler about structured compassion. Specifically during the time of Ruth and Naomi. It was the custom when harvesting, to leave what you drop and not harvest the corners of your fields so that the hungry could come after you and have food, without stealing or asking for a handout. How do we structure our lives so that our default is to provide for the needs of others? Do we need to wait for a prompting to share or help, or could that be our default setting? Open the door to the girl standing in the rain, figure the rest out later.
The lesson was over and I was getting ready to leave. Something I've noticed is that leaving alone is sometimes just as hard as arriving alone. As I stood to go, the new sisters missionaries immediately stopped me to ask my name and thank me for my comment, I told them I'm off of the summer and would love to help in any way they need. As I walked out, Olivia called out and specifically said goodbye (she is the prime example of structured compassion, acting in love is her default setting). Tears came anyway as I walked away from the building. Then this couple with a little girl with no shoes were in front of me and I didn't want to say anything because I was crying, but the words came out anyway about the little one's missing shoes. They turned around and laughed and the guy started talking to me about a new job he was starting at the prison. I felt needed and noticed. By the time I got to my car I was chuckling to myself about how instantly God let me know I was noticed, seen, and needed.
As I started my car and drove away the song "Pink Pony Club" came on. I turned it up and let the vibe and the beat return my heart and soul to it's structured, practiced, compassionate flow.
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