Sunday, June 14, 2026

Structured Compassion

I went to church alone again today. I like to think this doesn't bother me, that it's just the natural progression of things, but in reality, it seems to put in a dysregulated state and I find myself more susceptible to miscommunication, being offended, or feeling sorry for myself. 

So there I sat annoyed that bro was speaking for like the third time in the same span I had only been asked to speak once. Who even complains about something like that? Then in Relief Society, we talked about who uses the church curriculum or actually studies with their family...instead off thinking of how much I have loved studying the Old Testament this year, I felt sorry for myself because I  didn't have any family to study with. 

Then the big one hit. Jill mentioned something about ministering people coming unannounced and I immediately found myself back in Colorado on a night when Phil was yelling at the kids and saying some horrible things only to be interrupted by our ministering bro knocking at the door. Our house was not that big and our windows were always open, there was no way he didn't hear everything that had just happened. At this time I wanted help so badly, I was so tired of managing all Phil's emotions and the fallout by myself...I wanted people to know.. and yet, this was so embarrassing; being laid bare so unexpectantly. Phil left the room and I was left to answer the door. Bro immediately asked if I was ok, and I gave him a questioning look but simply replied, "yep".  I don't blame bro for just walking away that night. What was he supposed to do? 

Mostly I try not to dwell on those hard times, we've done our best to deal with them and made a lot of real changes. I know I'm not at my best when a flash back like that hits me in a way that has me almost running from the room. I stayed. I cried, but I stayed. I stayed and listened to a whole discussion on ministering. The whole time struggling with feeling so alone and left out but knowing from the Spirit and experience that the way through this is to reach out. I looked around at the women sitting in that room with me and knew without a doubt that many others were feeling or have felt the same thing. 

My prayer was to ask for help in being the kind of person who reaches out. My own heart depends on it. 

Deb made a comment about how her rough and tumble daughter was caught in a rainstorm and ran to the church for shelter. It wasn't Sunday, but there was someone there who saw her and didn't let her in. I raised my hand and told about what I learned from Dave Butler about structured compassion. Specifically during the time of Ruth and Naomi. It was the custom when harvesting, to leave what you drop and not harvest the corners of your fields so that the hungry could come after you and have food, without stealing or asking for a handout. How do we structure our lives so that our default is to provide for the needs of others? Do we need to wait for a prompting to share or help, or could that be our default setting? Open the door to the girl standing in the rain, figure the rest out later. 

The lesson was over and I was getting ready to leave. Something I've noticed is that leaving alone is sometimes just as hard as arriving alone. As I stood to go, the new sisters missionaries immediately stopped me to ask my name and thank me for my comment, I told them I'm off of the summer and would love to help in any way they need. As I walked out, Olivia called out and specifically said goodbye (she is the prime example of structured compassion, acting in love is her default setting). Tears came anyway as I walked away from the building. Then this couple with a little girl with no shoes were in front of me and I didn't want to say anything because I was crying, but the words came out anyway about the little one's missing shoes. They turned around and laughed and the guy started talking to me about a new job he was starting at the prison. I felt needed and noticed. By the time I got to my car I was chuckling to myself about how instantly God let me know I was noticed, seen, and needed. 

As I started my car and drove away the song "Pink Pony Club" came on. I turned it up and let the vibe and the beat return my heart and soul to it's structured, practiced, compassionate flow.

Sunday, May 16, 2021

It's been a while..

It's been a while since I've come home from church and felt the need to hide in bed; to just curl up around the hurt of fear and hold myself together before everything comes tumbling apart.

It's been a while. 

But here I am again, trying to take the grief one breath at a time, knowing I have to breathe it through and breathe it deep and release it one breath at a time. 

And just as my body began to relax, I heard his voice, "Let us be doing"....and I know that the way through this is to do...not just anything to stay busy, but do the things that build lasting relationships. Spend time with my kids, my spouse, my Lord. You know, the important things you can actually take with you when you go.


Sunday, February 10, 2019

Lies, loneliness and love


What if one of Satan's many lies is that loneliness means we are worthless and unloved,  when really, loneliness is sacred, holy time we are blessed with to get to know ourselves and our God?

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Withdrawal from Wthdrawal


Remember that time when you took the challenge to not eat sugar for 3 weeks, and not just sugar, but gluten and milk?

What kind of self torture is that?

Remember how sad you were... and a little bored?

But you did it, thinking you would be back to sugar in no time...until the 3 weeks were up and then you were so scared to even think about eating sugar again because now you know for sure how much you depended on it to entertain you, to keep you company, to distract you from the hard things, and what if you can't just have it occasionally without eating all of it?

Yep.

And not only that, remember how it made you wonder if there were other things in your life that you could give up; other things that are a waste of time and talents?

You know...

those things that you tell yourself you deserve to do....or eat, because you've worked so hard all day and you've earned it?

How does that even make sense?

Here, you've worked incredibly hard, now go do something that is going to negate at least half of the work you've done...you deserve it.

What kind of self-hate talk is that?

Remember that?

Please, remember that.

Sunday, July 1, 2018

My Newly Broken Heart

At first it was just a stretching, pulling, relaxing and constriction…the natural and nauseating beginning pains of child birth.  The way it is supposed to be. No child would stay in the womb forever…no mother would want it so.
This separation begins, it pulls and stretches until she slips free and with all that new beginning, there is a new breaking of my heart.
It's a good broken, a necessary broken, to cleave you must first be broken kind of broken... pieces bond together as again and again she latches on for nourishment. My soldered heart, beating stronger in this new bond.....

I stare at her grey eyes...
                        and I can't imagine how....
                                        her flesh came from my flesh, my thoughts, my actions....

How could she not be a piece of my soul?

My life put on hold, my life just begun... to hold and love and continue to create someone from this new piece of my newly broken heart.
The breaking continues, slower now, but seems so fast as one moment right after another she chooses her path, breaking and cleaving only to sever again.

She fails, and we break together. We share the pieces of our always breaking hearts and build again something different, maybe stronger.

She succeeds, and my heart bursts into a billion new pieces of joy and she scoops it up and adds it to her own. 
And that bond heart is new and sinewy and strong and it stretches and somehow is still a part of me and I can't help but hold it close. Like the newbie I am, I hold too tight and she pulls even harder until I let go too soon and she falls slipping through my clenched fingertips. We pick up and brush off and patch up and move on. Constantly recreating as we learn that whatever she is, she is still a part of me to hold with open hands.
Day after day she builds her own heart, beating strong and sure and sometimes scared. She takes pieces from here and pieces from there, some light and some dark, building and breaking, blood flowing with passion and poison.

 She doesn't give up, although sometimes I think she has, my preference for speed threatening to rush what can't be rushed. Even that speed she must have a piece of... that impatience that I'm still working out of my own heart...she takes that too, and leaps and falls maimed... but leaps again.
I feel her heart even when I can’t see her; her fears and hurts, jagged lacerations in my own heart, telling me she is breaking. I can't fix her, she rightly claimed that piece for herself, it's natural and nauseating....but assuredly, the broken pieces drum the rhythm that she came from something stronger and infinitely sure... 
and we bond through the broken
both cleaving, leaning
on the Infinite Broken Heart.
Then without warning she makes that final tug and I feel the wind sucked out of me as my whole body contracts and on its own, pushes her out. It should be familiar....

...no child would stay in womb forever, no mother would want it so...

but the pain is raw and I am left with open, empty hands as this time, she bonds with someone new.

Is this what joy is?

My heart misses her pieces everyday and breaks a little more as I try to find all the pieces to build a whole heart. It works.... mostly, and life drums on and my blood pumps through my veins and my smile is still there...but barely. 
I do smile... we share so many heart pieces....I smile because I know she is a part of me still and someday....when she feels that first stretching and pulling and inevitable first tear, 

I will feel it too...

and my heart will gladly break again for her newly broken heart.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Sometimes it sucks

I run more than walk. It's my natural state. Today I headed out looking for the sun on my face and the need for new thoughts to pump through me like oxygen filled blood. My running feet on the ground did not disappoint and it felt like I was coming back to myself...

I needed that.

Then the reality of my malnutritioned body gave way and my sleep deprived soul gave in and the cold wind blew stronger than the suns rays and tormented me from all directions.

But this too is my running, this too is why I crave it. Sometimes it sucks and that is as real as any other part of me. It's not meant to always be sunny and 50 degrees with a cool breeze right when you start to get sweaty. Nope sometimes it sucks, and that's just fine.


I sometimes try to photograph how my run feels, to capture somehow, the change of mind and direction it can bring to my soul. It never really works that well, because I have to stop running to get a good shot and then it's just not the same. So at least to document, if not capture, I snapped a few today, because this is a day I will remember. The sunlight through the trees, the winding road up ahead, a hill to keep things interesting and and the bird crap that just missed my head and landed on my running leg.



Yeah, sometimes it sucks, but that's perfect and I want to live it all.



I hugged my little one goodby today. My toes cold on the driveway and my heart lodged in my throat. This one who has been a part of me from the beginning, my blood her blood creating her flesh. I remember just looking at her for hours not believing that she was mine...even just for this moment.

This moment that went too fast. This bueatuful girl, this girl that has turned me inside out, this girl that has made me be 100 percent sure of who I am before I could show her who she is...



my daughter, my friend...



I passed this piece of my heart off to him and they drove away.





Sunday, February 25, 2018

Irrigation Illustration

I was asked to speak on how we can receive personal revelation through the scriptures. 
What ever our questions are, what ever trials or joys we are experiencing, we can receive personal revelation through the scriptures, that is just that, personal. In 2 Nephi 31:3  it says: “For the Lord God giveth light unto the understanding; for he speaketh unto men according to their language, unto their understanding.” God knows us and loves us and only wants the best for us. He never speaks just to hear the words come out of his mouth, he speaks directly to each of us, through the power of the Holy Ghost, in a way we can understand and act.


To illustrate how this principle can work in our lives, I’d like to share an illustration…we’ll call it an Irrigation illustration. Now, just to clarify, for all of you Indianaian’s, irrigation is an activity that is required to grow crops when your total annual rainfall is less than what Indiana sees in a week. Such was the life on the farm where I grew up in Southern Idaho. I was introduced to the joy of moving irrigation pipe at a young age and though I always seemed to be the smallest on the crew, I was determined to never be last in finishing my lines, so I worked my tail off  lifting the pipes which were often full of water, letting them drain, then racing 60 feet down the field to and reconnect the section of pipe in a straight line then running back to get the next one. It turned into a game of sorts with some interesting competitions and prizes….but I digress…The point here today is that the irrigation pipes provided a “simple” means by which the entire field could receive water. This was my job for over 8 years and by the time I graduated from high school and headed out into the big wide world, we joked that I already had my pipe moving degree, and indeed, from the work, fun and lessons learned moving pipe, I felt like I could conquer anything.


Fast forward 14 years and I found myself standing in the middle of my own field. Just a small 4 acre field in the middle of Colorado, but I was excited to get back to my farming roots and I needed some serious irrigation to make this happen. Irrigation…I totally got this. But. In this particular part of  Colorado, there were no shiny irrigation pipes to move neatly across the field, evenly sprinkling water to all parts of the field. Here, irrigation came only 3 times a year and for me, lasted a mear 28 hours. Flood irrigation was the only option and a totally new experience for me. When it was my turn at the ditch, the water ran down a large pipe at the top of my field, and it was up to me to open up a series of small gates in that pipe to let the water flow into different sections of my field. So, on day one, I opened the gates, waited to make sure the pressure was right and everything was working correctly, then went back inside to attend to my house work. A few hours later I went back out to the field to see how things were progressing. As I walked up through my field the first thing I noticed was that it was still dry. Where was my water? Looking up my field, I could clearly see the water still flowing into my field…where was it all going? It took a little investigating, but I soon discovered that my field was not the gentle slop that I originally saw, but was full of dips and slants that I hadn’t first noticed. Much of my water was following a zig zag pattern, flowing aimlessly across my field. Then I looked across the fence into my neighbors property and saw a couple random wet spots….where in the world was that water coming from? I solved the mystery by following the flow of the water to where it suddenly disappeared…. down a gopher hole, only to reappear in the middle of my neighbors horse corral. I was in trouble and I knew it.  I went to work, trying to fill in gopher holes, and creating small ditches for water to reach different parts of my field. By the time my 28 hours were up, I was completely exhausted and a solid 2/3rds of my field remained dry. I had all the water a girl could need, but I had not provided a place for it to go.


Brothers and sisters, I believe we have a loving father in Heaven who speaks to us often, with  words of guidance, warning and comfort, and yet many of us continue to walk through a lonely dessert, parched for personal revelation. 

President Spencer W. Kimball made this observation, “I find that when I get causal in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening, and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse my self in the scriptures, the distance narrows and the spirituality returns and I find myself loving more intensely.”


If you want hear that divine voice in your life, if you want to grow spiritually, if you want to love more intensely, the scriptures provide the means to make that happen, but if you want that living water to reach all parts of your spiritual field, you must create a place for it to go. 


After my first irrigation disaster, I noticed my neighbors fields that had set furrows running the length of their field. So I went to work and with some help from a neighbor, I created furrows that stretched from my water gates all the way to the opposite end of the field. I worked tirelessly with my dog and some local snakes to eradicate the gophers and was ever vigilant against the destructive prairie dog. I created a place for the water to go, and that is where it went. We have a literal flood of knowledge and revelation waiting for us inside the scriptures, but we must provide a place for it to go. 


President Benson taught this about the Book of Mormon: 
“We learn that as we covenant with Christ and structure our lives with keeping his commandments his peace flows into all areas of our lives.” 


 Commandments are blessings that allow the spirit of God to flow into our lives. In psalms 119 it says, “Let thy tender mercies come unto me, that I may live: for thy law is my delight.” (psalm 119:77)  This law is found in the scriptures and they are meant to be a delight.  Building solid scripture study habits provides a place for the living water of Christ to enter our lives and the lives of our family. But it’s hard work. Here’s how our family scripture reading sometimes goes. 

Hey kids, time for scriptures.., please, yes, you need to come now, no, we can’t skip it tonight. Take a break from your homework that you just conveniently started as I called scripture study…stop yelling please, refrain from cussing while your holding your scriptures….hurry, just read, read a verse…maybe two….do you have your scriptures? Here, share with me, read a verse? Alma is not found on Instagram….can you please open your scriptures? shhhh, read a verse…that’s stripling warriors, not stripping…there’s an important difference….just read…

and then the chapter is over, kids are off to bed and the water disappears down the gopher hole. 

But sometimes…sometimes, things align and and sometimes we make a little more time, and sometimes questions are asked and prayers are answered and sometimes….something soaks in. But you can’t just leave it up to chance, there is a pattern to follow in irrigation and receiving personal revelation. First Act in faith. It truly takes a lot of faith to continue the practice of family scripture study, but as we do, our children will come to expect it and learn from experience that the guidance found in the scriptures can be a deep source of inspiration. As we actively apply the scripture truths in our lives, they will learn that of the many good books and sources of information out there, this is the best book. They will come to learn that in these stories, verse by verse, patterns of eternal truth are taught. As we act in faith and develop a habit for our own personal study as well, the living water of the gospel has the ability to reach the far corners of our lives.
President Benson made this promise: 
It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called “the words of life” (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance.” end quote

After I had prepared a place for my water to go, I discovered another problem. Yes, the water would go where I wanted it to, in fact, it went there very quickly, and taking me by surprise, even ran wasted into the street or my basement.  Sure my entire field was wet, but it all happened so quickly there wasn’t time for the water to soak deep and a lot was wasted. Over time, I learned to alternate the parts of the field I was watering, to let the water run over it once, give it a rest and then cover it again. I even alternated with a neighbor, allowing every last drop time to soak in. 

I remember vividly the first time I really took the time to let the word of God soak into my life. As part of the seminary council in high school I had been asked to travel around our stake and speak in the different wards about seminary. I had given talks before, but it had always been about just getting it done. I felt that this should be different. I wanted to share the truth I knew in my heart, but I didn’t know how to explain it. I followed the example of my parents and went to my scriptures.  I prayed and studied. I was lead to Alma 32 and the topic of faith. I was familiar with this passage, but as I read it this time, seeking for personal witness, I was indeed taught deeper meaning and application on how faith worked in my life. Still today, I will return to this chapter and find guidance and peace in it’s comfortable cadence. 

It was no coincidence that this first big drink of mine was accompanied by prayer and questions. In seminary we are taught not to just ask questions, but to frame them in an eternal perspective. Questions like, Why was this included in the scriptures?  Why is it repeated so often? Who am I in this story? What is the eternal truth being taught, and how can I apply this to my life? If we are really bold, we can follow Pres Uchdorf’s advice  and ask, Lord is it I? And I quote:

May I suggest that the holy scriptures are an effective mirror we can hold up for self-examination.
As you hear or read the words of the ancient and modern prophets, refrain from thinking about how the words apply to someone else and ask the simple question: “Lord, is it I?”
We must approach our Eternal Father with broken hearts and teachable minds. We must be willing to learn and to change. And, oh, how much we gain by committing to live the life our Heavenly Father intends for us.
Those who do not wish to learn and change probably will not and most likely will begin to wonder whether the Church has anything to offer them.
But those who want to improve and progress, those who learn of the Savior and desire to be like Him, those who humble themselves… and seek to bring their thoughts and actions into harmony with our Father in Heaven—they will experience the miracle of the Savior’s Atonement.” 

 When we approach our scriptures this way, when we “ask and expect to be given” when we  “seek knowing we will find” when we knock believing that he is waiting to fling open the door;  Not only will our questions be answered, but we will get answers to questions we don’t know how to ask, “for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered,” (Romans 8:26). This takes us from a study session to worship and communion with our Father in Heaven. Take the time to let it soak in.

 As we learn to hearken to the personal revelation that is offered, more will follow. After a little practice at this new form of irrigation, I got better at it and was able to use all I was given. As this happened, I found that the ditch rider would sometimes call me when he had a little water to spare and ask if I could take more….ummmm YES! If my field was already saturated, I had a huge underground cistern at the bottom of my field. I learned to channel extra water into this cistern for use around the yard, and in my garden.  This pattern and blessing of caring for what we are given is set forth in 2 Ne 28:30
“I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have.”  

Care for the spiritual revelation you receive and you will be given more. Record it, ponder it, treat it like the sacred gift that it is. Let it lead you deeper into the scriptures. There is always more God wants to tell you….when you are ready. I had a stake president say once, that we should be writing our own scriptures as we receive guidance and inspiration for our lives and our families.  Another way to care for and store up what we receive is to memorize the passages that speak truth to you and then these simple verses will continue to change you. Memorizing will allow you to keep them with you like a good friend. Faster than you can tap a foot note in your digital scriptures, these memorized phrases will pop into your head when you need them the most, lighting your path and comforting your heart and when led by the Spirit, inspiring others.   In Peter 3 it says, “be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you, a reason of the hope that is in you” (Peter 3:15)

I want to close today with the reason of hope which is in me and my specific testimony of the Book of Mormon. I have had the opportunity to get more up close and personal with this book this year than I ever have. It is truth. It is peace. It is hope. And I hear my Heavenly Father’s voice in it’s pages.  

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