Sometimes it sucks

I run more than walk. It's my natural state. Today I headed out looking for the sun on my face and the need for new thoughts to pump through me like oxygen filled blood. My running feet on the ground did not disappoint and it felt like I was coming back to myself...

I needed that.

Then the reality of my malnutritioned body gave way and my sleep deprived soul gave in and the cold wind blew stronger than the suns rays and tormented me from all directions.

But this too is my running, this too is why I crave it. Sometimes it sucks and that is as real as any other part of me. It's not meant to always be sunny and 50 degrees with a cool breeze right when you start to get sweaty. Nope sometimes it sucks, and that's just fine.

I sometimes try to photograph how my run feels, to capture somehow, the change of mind and direction it can bring to my soul. It never really works that well, because I have to stop running to get a good shot and then it's just not the same. So at least to document, if not capture, I snapped a few today, because this is a day I will remember. The sunlight through the trees, the winding road up ahead, a hill to keep things interesting and and the bird crap that just missed my head and landed on my running leg.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks, but that's perfect and I want to live it all.

I hugged my little one goodby today. My toes cold on the driveway and my heart lodged in my throat. This one who has been a part of me from the beginning, my blood her blood creating her flesh. I remember just looking at her for hours not believing that she was mine...even just for this moment.

This moment that went too fast. This bueatuful girl, this girl that has turned me inside out, this girl that has made me be 100 percent sure of who I am before I could show her who she is...

my daughter, my friend...

I passed this piece of my heart off to him and they drove away.

This for That

Remember that old poem about the footprints in the sand and the guy looking back on his life and realizing he'd been carried through the hardest parts of his life?

I get that.

But it seems a shame to wait for the end of your life to recognize that He has been there all along. Jesus says, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light," if we will come unto Him. But I still  heft my way down the trail, thinking that it isn't until I reach the destination that I will find relief.

But that's not what He said.

It's not "my yoke will be easy, and my burden will be light." It's right now, in the middle of the muck, and sinking fear that He says,

Take this, I've got that.

The "this" offered for our "that" is to follow His example of love and meekness, and find rest. I'll admit, that I have been strengthed when I thought I couldn't haldle anymore, that impressions and peace have been felt when fear circled all around....but to actually feel the easy rest of his yoke compared to occasionally stopping to catch my breath and then continuing on my own, that has been a new experience.

So I take this, unconditional love and He takes that, my selfish desires. I take complete trust and He takes my fear. I take an ability to serve with my whole heart and He takes my pride and stubbern grudges. I take complete obedience and He takes my every failure.

This for that...

I know I don't deserve it, and sometimes I want to trade back, slip into the comfortable, instead of learning the new way, but I know there is no other way.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love:
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

This, my whole heart, for that, all that He has.

Happy Valentine's Day

This day

Who doesn't like a little encouragement now and then? A little pick-me-up, kind words, a reminder of what's important....it can make all the difference. Perhaps it's not "needed," perhaps you could make it on your own....

perhaps....

but with 8 miles down and 18 looming in the distance, anyone who has run a marathon knows the value of a little encouragement. It doesn't matter where it comes from or in what form. Honking horns and crazy cheers, painted signs, a word from a stranger as you pass, or just the sound of feet matching your stride as you run together. My personal favorite was, "Hurry there's a buffalo chasing you!" I laughed, then ran faster. My second favorite was from a stranger as I ran by. She simply said, "You're doing it."

And instantly I knew I was.

The end would come whenever it came, but for that moment I was doing what it took to get there, and that was enough.

Recently I found myself in the middle of a marathon when all I had scheduled was a 5K. At first I panicked and almost lost my breath, until a friend grabbed hold and reminded me that I knew how to do this. One step at a time....and I lifted my eyes and kept running.

Pray~step~scriptures~step~love~step~ponder~step~pray~step~repent~step~
church~step~serve~step~love~step~forgive~step~teach~step~pray~step~ listen~step~live~step~breathe~
step~
step~
step~
step~

Just because something takes you by surprise doesn't mean you can't be prepared for it. Supplications for daily bread are always answered, for today.

And today you're doing it.

People survive them all the time...

It seems every time I start a post I feel like I need to apologize, or at least explain why I haven't been here, when this is such a place I love to be. I say I'm busy...too busy, for this and that and way to busy to write it all down; who has time to sit and write it all down...there is so much to write down. Nothing spectacular I suppose, just the day to day events of a slightly rebellious, often humbled daughter of God.

There is nothing noteworthy in the fact that once this week I succeeded in getting my house clean or even that it all came crashing back down around me two days later. Nothing original about sending my youngest off to preschool and then having my heart jump then fall to my feet at the sound of silence in my car. And who hasn't felt the exhaustion that comes, not of physically doing the daily mundane,  but from constantly wrestling heart and mind with the decisions that will both protect and prepare your kids for the life they are already living every day? I don't suppose that these things are any different than what a million other souls deal with, and yet it is all different and all so mine; and when I pray with my heart full of thanks for every minute of it all He answers with a peace that is designed just for the way my mind works and exactly what my heart understands.

Last night the storm hit hard, and I wasn't surprised...it was in the forecast...the awe came with the clarity of the stars afterward. In the beginning as the winds started to blow I kept telling myself not to stress...after all, storms are quiet common, people survive them all the time. As the rain turned to hail we took shelter under established routine, pushing through, ignoring the darkness; until it was over and all that was left was the darkness. And then the stars...clear and bright, not so bright as to show the damage that surely surrounded, just bright enough to know the storm was over. It was beautiful.

Nurtured

"By divine design...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." (Family Proclamation, paragraph 7)

Just this morning, I longed for the nurturing of a mother. Hadn’t I just cared for my little ones…one at a time…before they passed the sickness to me? Where is my mom, when all I can do is moan on the couch?

Of course, I know right where my mom is. Physically she is spending her days in service (as she always has) on a mission for our church; but that’s not all, because she is here with me too.

I may not have been bright enough as a child to let her teach me how to make bread, sew, and clean; but I did learn how to nurture, and it had little to do with the advice you might find in popular parenting magazines. A family is a hard place to hide imperfections, and we were as naked as the next; but in the end we are covered with covenants kept.

 

I love being a mother…and some days I think I’m pretty good at it; others…not so much. Those bad days would be enough to do me in with guilt and self doubt if I didn’t know about the back up plan.

We had a huge family growing up, and I often felt like one of the many. Really, how could one mother reach so many, cover so many bases…every day? Impossible really…on her own. I think she learned early to let go of perfection and cling tightly to the covenants she had made with the Lord.

Covenants that have greater strength than even a consistent discipline plan. Covenants that can reach through generations and bind family close, regardless of daily mistakes. Covenants that I have made with my Father, and my family.

So she does comfort me now, from a distance, and I know that even though my house will probably take a thrashing before I get back in the game, my family will be held close and covered.

Wordfull Wednesday @ Chocolate on my Crainium

He is my cake...I am his icing

He's big, I'm little

He's loud, I'm quiet.

He's bold, I'm shy.

I laugh, while he pouts.

He is sure, even when he is wrong, and I can never decide.

He leaves for work and relaxes at home.

I leave to relax and work at home.

He is quick to love and quick to fight as I meander through miles of emotional possibilities.

He is man, I am woman, and at the end of the day my cold toes find his warm legs and we both smile.

Two completely different creatures...designed with differences, and divinely so;

we are one.

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners."

Wordfull Wednesday "Unity in Marriage" @ Chocolateonmycranium