Lies, loneliness and love

What if one of Satan's many lies is that loneliness means we are worthless and unloved,  when really, loneliness is sacred, holy time we are blessed with to get to know ourselves and our God?

Sometimes it sucks

I run more than walk. It's my natural state. Today I headed out looking for the sun on my face and the need for new thoughts to pump through me like oxygen filled blood. My running feet on the ground did not disappoint and it felt like I was coming back to myself...

I needed that.

Then the reality of my malnutritioned body gave way and my sleep deprived soul gave in and the cold wind blew stronger than the suns rays and tormented me from all directions.

But this too is my running, this too is why I crave it. Sometimes it sucks and that is as real as any other part of me. It's not meant to always be sunny and 50 degrees with a cool breeze right when you start to get sweaty. Nope sometimes it sucks, and that's just fine.

I sometimes try to photograph how my run feels, to capture somehow, the change of mind and direction it can bring to my soul. It never really works that well, because I have to stop running to get a good shot and then it's just not the same. So at least to document, if not capture, I snapped a few today, because this is a day I will remember. The sunlight through the trees, the winding road up ahead, a hill to keep things interesting and and the bird crap that just missed my head and landed on my running leg.

Yeah, sometimes it sucks, but that's perfect and I want to live it all.

I hugged my little one goodby today. My toes cold on the driveway and my heart lodged in my throat. This one who has been a part of me from the beginning, my blood her blood creating her flesh. I remember just looking at her for hours not believing that she was mine...even just for this moment.

This moment that went too fast. This bueatuful girl, this girl that has turned me inside out, this girl that has made me be 100 percent sure of who I am before I could show her who she is...

my daughter, my friend...

I passed this piece of my heart off to him and they drove away.

Go with your gut

The gut is the new brain, have you heard?

Control your gut and you control the chemicals and hormones released in your body and brain.
Control the release of chemicals and hormones and you control your feelings and emotions.
Control your feelings and emotions and you control your thoughts.
Control your thoughts and you control your actions.
Control your actions and you control your destiny...

....or something like that.

Go with your gut...
I felt it in my gut...
My gut feeling...

Put the good stuff in...a wide variety and copious amounts.
Flush the bad stuff out. Movement is crucial.

Any serious runner already knows this. Train the lungs to breath deep and fast, the heart to pump effectively strong, the muscles to find stored energy in hidden places...but the gut...the gut is where it's at...the inner most strength. Those critical moments when all else is failing and done, your brain will play tricks on you to find an excuse to give up...compleate justification at the moment.  How bad do you want this? Just on the serface with the latest running gear soaked with sweat, or does it go deeper? Pass the working muscles and organs....is it in your gut?

"Let thy bowels be full of charity..., and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of  God.~Doctrine & Covenants 121:45

Charity in my gut. Is this my inner most desire? A force that can overcome fatigue, brain fog, and a broken heart.

Put the good stuff in.
Serve.
Pray.
Read.
Ponder.
Hope.

Flush the bad stuff out.
Repent.
Let go.
Forgive.
Find His rest.

Go with your gut.

Flowers Shmowers

Slow down they say,

Take time to enjoy it they say….

But my feet pound the earth and eyes grapple the horizon and I am revived.

Just because you don't take time to smell the flowers doesn't mean you didn't enjoy the trail.

superlative

satan likes to whisper 
"wicked, unworthy, waste"
i listen
running in the dark
black shadows press
consume.

do i have a choice?

distant light
not yet pink
i think maybe
he lies.

breathe deep
run faster
not panic...
need

need to suck deeper
wake sleeping places.
legs and heart that want more
elevate me to runner's high,
superlative.

light encircles 
dark shadows.

beauty outlines 
the dim unknown.

illumination clarifies 
what once was feared.

fierce crave awakes...
faster,
i need to go faster. 
use it all til i'm empty
ready to be taken
filled with what matters.

autumn's claim burns gold
leaves and grass blaze around me
celebrating light
bright and warmth
full on my face

i seek it
suck it in
savor it
praise it

Up, Over and Around

"Hey, you want to do Skyline in the morning?" she whispered just as the meeting started.

I didn't even hesitate, I love that beast of a run. Hesitation did come later as my tired bones struggled to tuck in kids and sweep floors. 5:20 am comes pretty quick, especially on my day off.  I guess I wasn't the only one since her first words out of her car were, "Maybe we should just run the river."

Too late. I was already committed. It's been months since we've ran up, over and around our little mountain, last time she was six months pregnant; this time I felt like I was.

It was hard, and my body is soft, but they both came through in the end. It was a beautiful view from shaking legs.

I stopped at the store on the way home and as I passed by other early morning shoppers I couldn't help but think, "I've been up and down a mountain today, what have you done?"

....and truthfully, I don't know.

Begging Morning

I pulled my body from deep slumber's relaxation and dumped it into a pair of  running shoes tied just tight enough. Slogging into a trot I begged the morning to convince me that I had made the right choice. Longing to be under covers snuggled around by strong arms, I inhaled deeper than running demands and glanced at the swelling pink over fenced pasture.

I knew I wouldn't be disappointed.

This day

Who doesn't like a little encouragement now and then? A little pick-me-up, kind words, a reminder of what's important....it can make all the difference. Perhaps it's not "needed," perhaps you could make it on your own....

perhaps....

but with 8 miles down and 18 looming in the distance, anyone who has run a marathon knows the value of a little encouragement. It doesn't matter where it comes from or in what form. Honking horns and crazy cheers, painted signs, a word from a stranger as you pass, or just the sound of feet matching your stride as you run together. My personal favorite was, "Hurry there's a buffalo chasing you!" I laughed, then ran faster. My second favorite was from a stranger as I ran by. She simply said, "You're doing it."

And instantly I knew I was.

The end would come whenever it came, but for that moment I was doing what it took to get there, and that was enough.

Recently I found myself in the middle of a marathon when all I had scheduled was a 5K. At first I panicked and almost lost my breath, until a friend grabbed hold and reminded me that I knew how to do this. One step at a time....and I lifted my eyes and kept running.

Pray~step~scriptures~step~love~step~ponder~step~pray~step~repent~step~
church~step~serve~step~love~step~forgive~step~teach~step~pray~step~ listen~step~live~step~breathe~
step~
step~
step~
step~

Just because something takes you by surprise doesn't mean you can't be prepared for it. Supplications for daily bread are always answered, for today.

And today you're doing it.

No guts, no glory

There was a moment when it was all clear, but before that, the miles stretched out endlessly.

Studying the map before the race, it was clear that these miles would be hard, 9-17, where the beginning excitement would be well worn off and it would still be a l...ah....ong way from the end. It would be a mental game...

me against myself.

Who else would know if I slowed my pace, or walked a little longer through the water stops?

But I didn't. I held on, kept pushing; going faster when I wanted to go slower. Just get to mile 17.

Then I did.

Slowing for water and goo, my body felt done and my mind was tired of telling it otherwise. Then something opened in my gut and spread...up through my lungs and spread through my legs. My eyes lifted and I started to run. That was the moment of clarity, when I knew that not only would I finish, but finish well.

This week I feel like I have been stuck at a water stop at mile 17 just waiting for my gut to kick in. Finally today I had that moment of clarity and it scared me. Sometimes knowing for sure what I should do does that to me. I hope I have enough guts.

Learning Greek

“So you run 26 miles...and you get…..what?”

My friend was completely serious. A complete stranger to even a 5K, she was incredulous when I told her how long a marathon was….and that I was planning on running one.


I couldn’t tell her why; not that I didn’t have my reasons…just that it would be all greek…a language neither of us understood.

That was three weeks ago, and my 26.2 have come and gone, and I am a better person because of it. Sometimes when I think of it, it was simply something fun to do, and other times it was everything that I had to do. One thing is for sure, it was one heck of a ride, and in an attempt to cruise a little longer I will be little posting several marathon thoughts, stories, lessons and full on life metaphors...unless I decide to train for another marathon...in that case look for a post on harmful addictive behaviors and how to live happily in denial. 

Running at 10,000 Feeet

All week the dirt has been gathering...

...in the corners and under the table.

It would probably bother me more if I had time to stop and look at it. I'm running and I can't catch up...but I'm enjoying the run anyway.

(nope...no way...not gonna post a pic of my dirty kitchen)

Kids left for school and once again I question everything...so many contradictions...what is good and bad and what is best.

Tomatoes, green beans, the last of the corn, peppers and still the weeds...

...oh the weeds, someone should tell them they have lost battle and need to go home.

Have you ever tried running at 10,000 feet?

More specifically 10,500.

Nothing works like it should, my stomach forgets how to handle a sip of water but still cries for more. My lungs feel unused but my muscles ache from lack of oxygen...

...and yet I, my whole self, can't get enough.

Farther and farther up and around the next curve, longing for the top. My friends are done but I can't get enough.

I always knew these mountains were a part of me.

Later I will completely crash, but now...I just enjoy the run.

In This Shape

As a young wife, before stretch marks and nursing bras, I ran. On a trail through cedar and sage, miles stretching out behind, I made plans with a friend.  With tight abs and short shorts we exposed our naivete as we planned it all out, it was simply really, run a marathon between each baby, just to make sure we stayed in shape.

And so I ran a marathon.

It was the hardest thing I had ever done....until about six hours before the birth of my oldest child, at that point I looked back on those miles run for strength and found they were marathons short of what I was about to experience.



I haven't run a marathon since...had no desire to really, suprisingly content to stay in the shape of a mother. But now that mother shape is changing, my youngest is now three and sleeps in late...

so I run again.

I find friends who like to run and who read books about running marthons, and again we plan. And now I run miles and miles on Saturday morning and try to ignore little aches and pains, not wanting to give them encouragement, and I wonder just a little bit how hard it will be....

A marthon in this shape that I am in.

Layton Marathon, October 9, 2010

Morning Breath

The lilacs alone were worth facing the day at 5 am.

271/1000

I love a good race...

I love a good race, and this.... was a good race. It was a 5K/5 mile race and everyone started at the same spot. I was running the 5 mile, but it was good to start with the 5K-ers...a little more excitment and speed...AND I got to start with Hup. This was his second 5K, so I knew he could do it, but I always worry he'll get lost (cause it happened once), so his dad ran with him. He hit a tough spot with about a mile to go, but thanks to the wonderful encouragement of fellow runners he sucked it up and finished strong at 27:47. That's almost a minute faster than last summer, and the best part is, he's excited for his next chance.

(warming up with his Dad)

My race went almost as planned. I think I fell off pace somewhere around the thrid mile. It wasn't well marked and had a lot of distractions...maybe the distractions helped me mentally, but I lost my focus on my pace, and in the end I came in at 40:00.6. Yep, that's right .7 seconds from my goal of going under 40 minutes. I guess that gives me a good excuse to run it again next year.

(notice my hands clear across my chest...nice form, egh?)

It was fun to see friends who have been hiding out on the treadmill all winter, and to see the smiles on the faces of those coming in strong, no matter what their time. I loved having my family their to feel the excitement and see this side of me that usually only comes out early in the morning while they still sleep, and I can't help but be a little excited when they all wanted to join in on the next race.

Pass it on

Running is contagious, and I love seeing people get sick catch the fever. People who you would never think...all of a sudden asking to meet at the track for a little speed, or braving the dark and cold just to get a few miles in, or sprinting even though they "hate" running.

Then take these people and put them in a race. Once you get past the "why would I pay $20 to run this trail when I can run it for free" comments, something crazy sick happens as they find themselves pushing past old limits and feeling high and wasted and.....completely happy.

I'm running the 5 mile Blossom Day race this Saturday, and it's supposed to be rainy and and a little cold and perfect at the same time. I'm running with some of the newly infected, and can't wait to see them at the finish line. Of course, I've had the disease for several years now and so I'm looking for something beyond compeltely happy, and that would be a specific time...really I'm flexible, as long as it's under 40 min. Last year I came in at 41 something and...well, faster would make me smile.

243/1000

Finding my schedule....

I love spring break. Nothing went as planned and it was perfect.

180/1000

Strong

I'm strong...really I am, but I have an Achilles heel; I can be talked into just about anything.

My friends say, "Come run over this really steep mountian, it'll be fun!" and I go. They say, "Let's run in the early morning freezing wind," and I go. They say "Let's run one more 400 after we've finished our mile repeats...just for fun," and I go.

And now my legs are tired and my arches are sore, but I am happy...and strong.

"...then will I make weak things become strong..."

168/1000

Running on my own

It's been a while since I've run alone. I've been lucky to have good company; commitments that get me out the door and down the road.

But not today.

To be honest, I was looking forward to it...to doing my own thing. Sometimes like to take my time and other times I crave speed. Sometimes I like to have the option of changing route mid run just because something looks interesting, or to listen to music..loud, or not, and just let the chirping birds tickle my thoughts.

This morning I chose music and speed. I started out slow in song and stride and just let it build; body warming, beating past the slugish jog. It was like my playlist knew exactly what I had in mind, the bass started pounding as I hit the hill hard;and then stopped short after a ripping guitar. All I could hear was pounding breath and crunching gravel as I claimed last of the hill; the perfect sound, life as the instrument.

158/1000

Noisy Run

Gaggle, cackle, swaking geese.
In pairs and flocks of new feathered
waddling feet.

Chitter chatter gabbing girls.
Warmed by sun and blood pumped by
running feet.

129/1000

The Difference

It was cold, and I was tired. With beauty all around me, I ran hunched and tight; chopping steps from the road.


My mind tripping over disappointed possibilities. I had been privileged to be a part of an amazing discussion, to witness with my heart eyes the divinity of sisters. Hopeful encouragement mixed with testimony and love....stopped short by a short sighted comment. Feelings were hurt; my heart hurt, then I remembered these words, as the Lord spoke to Moses: "I have a work for thee, Moses, my son...." and then, "Satan came tempting him, saying: Moses, son of man, worship me."

Satan seeks first to demote, discourage our possibilities, blind our eyes to the divinity in each of us...and those who surround us; then his work is easy.

I pray for confidence in the first; a life lived worthy of the first; words spoken with the love of the first; a soul strong enough to say, "Who art thou? For behold, I am a son of God..."


My frame straightened and I ran; open and soaking up the confidence of divine beauty.

110/1000